My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
