Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
