i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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