Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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