i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
