Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
