I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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