Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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