He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
