If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize