A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
how does that bad decision feel?
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