if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
