You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
