apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
