I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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