Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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