he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
