It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
