Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize