I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Boobs are out for the taking
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
