My sheets look like a crime scene.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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