i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
