Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
