my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize