I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
