I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
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