just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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