I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Randomize
