Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
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