My liver just broke up with me...
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
