I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
