I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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