I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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