There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
