the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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