WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
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