I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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