i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
