At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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