I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
