I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
