New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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