Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
