i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
