I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
