Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
