Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
