Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
