don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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