Tell her she can't have a vagina
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize