I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
No I am not eating basil off your cock
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
