I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
