I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
40s are totally the cure
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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