I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Randomize
