I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
