I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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