You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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