Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
