in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
