im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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