im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
no. you can't hotbox the world.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
