Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
