I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
