R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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