as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Randomize
