some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
