Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
